WHEN IS "NOT READY, TOO LATE?”

I often use the phrase “When is not ready too late?  I invented it after hearing “I’m not ready” from hundreds of seniors who were fearful of taking the vital step of relocating to a senior living community. Then once an unforeseen crisis occurs, it becomes ‘too late.’ The opportunity to salvage some well-deserved time in a safe environment, conducive to the peace and welfare of seniors, is lost.

Many in their middle to late 80’s will intuitively sense that they should not live alone, but they cannot emotionally separate themselves from their homes and cherished belongings. They prefer to sit at home, alone with no social interaction, and wait for intermittent visits from family or friends. Seniors are entitled to make their own choices, but sometimes, fear and distrust, prevent them making an objective choice. 

Susan and Sheryl were trying to convince their Mother, Ethel, to move to Florida for two years.  Ethel had lived in Washington DC for the past 10 years, but when she lost the gentlemen whose house she shared; they wanted her closer to them.  She often called them crying, depressed and lonely, but despite her unhappiness, she would not budge from her familiar surroundings.  Ethyl had a history of falling, which worried the two sisters, so they researched assisted living communities, hoping they could convince her to come to Florida. For months they agonized over what to do.

The crisis came when Ethel suffered an impacted colon and was rushed to the hospital.  She suffered from a lack of fiber and nutrition because she lost her interest in cooking.  As a result of improper eating, she became weak and malnourished.  Cheryl flew to Washington to be with her mom while Susan made the arrangements for Ethel to move into our community.  They were convinced that Ethel could no longer continue you to live so far away.

Ethel recovered from malnutrition slower than expected; Susan repeatedly postponed her Mom’s arrival date.  The doctor sent Ethel to a local rehabilitation facility to regain some strength.  For weeks, she participated in intense physical therapy, again delaying her arrival at our community. During her rehab, Susan and Cheryl took turns flying north preparing for Ethel to relocate as soon as she was physically able. 

Finally, after weeks of frustration, Susan called to say that Ethel had been cleared for travel. The doctor agreed with the two sisters that she would need assistance, and that Ethel was not physically able to live alone.  Despite their Mother’s vociferous protests, the girls continued to make plans to move Ethel to Florida.  Cheryl flew north to accompany her on her trip, while Susan made the final arrangements to move her into our community in South Florida.  Hoping to please her Mom, Susan chose a large studio with a view of the courtyard and decorated it with lovely new furnishings.

Everyone, except Ethel, was ready for the big day.  The nurses, the resident assistants, the marketing director; all of us were prepared to welcome Ethel upon her arrival.  It was not a secret that she was angry about being moved against her will, but the community staff was confident we could win her over and change her mind. 

Ethel arrived in time for lunch.  Exhausted from her trip, our nurse gave her a wheel chair to ease the stress of walking.  Our hostess chose a special table for her to eat with residents who would charm her.  In every sense, the meal progressed better than expected.  Ethel was tired after her trip, but began to relax after eating. She was surprised and honored when we gave her and everyone at her table cream filled cannoli for dessert.  Her daughter told us they were her favorite, so our Dining Services Director ordered them for the occasion.

After lunch, Susan and Cheryl took their Mom to her room to begin unpacking. She had two very large suitcases full of personal items, and the three were hanging clothes and putting them into the closet. About twenty minutes passed when Ethel complained of not feeling well.  Our nurse arrived immediately, and after a quick assessment, she called 911.

Ethel died shortly after her arrival at the hospital. Susan and Cheryl were devastated, and those of us in the community were deeply saddened.  We had anticipated that Ethel would eventually enjoy the time with her daughters who had spent months devotedly trying to make her happy.  It wasn’t meant to be.

There is no right or wrong decision when adult children struggle to do the right thing.  Our parents deserve the same opportunity to make choices that they allowed us when we were young.  Still, I always cringe when I hear the words, “I am not ready,” hoping that a decision will not be postponed until it is “too late.”